DLL
05-16-2005, 05:04 AM
I STUMBLED ACROSS THIS WEBSITE YESTERDAY AND HAVE BEEN READING SOME OF YOUR THREADS. I WOULD LIKE TO RELATE A STORY(LONG STORY) TO YOU AND GET SOME FEEDBACK. I AM ALMOST AFRAID TO TALK BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO IMPACT ANYONE NEGATIVELY ABOUT CHRIST, OR WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR US ON THE CROSS, BUT I HAVE NEEDED TO TALK ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME AND DIDNT KNOW WHERE TO TURN.
FIRST OF ALL, IM 45, MARRIED AND HAVE 4 KIDS...NOW 25, 22, 20,AND18.
WE JOINED THIS CHURCH ABOUT 12-15 YRS. AGO(1992?) AND IT WAS WHAT WE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR. THE PEOPLE SEEMED TO CARE ABOUT US AND HELPED US IN ALOT OF WAYS FOR YEARS. I REALLY DO BELIEVE THEY WERE SINCERE. WELL AROUND 1995, THE CHURCH SECRETARY WAS EXCOMMUNICATED OR (CHURCH DISCIPLINED) ACCORDING TO SOME INFO THAT THE PASTOR BROUGHT BEFORE THE CHURCH. WELL BASED ON WHAT WE WERE TOLD, IT SEEMED AS THOUGH THE RIGHT THING TO DO. SHE MOVED AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY AND THE FAMILY OF 4 WAS DEVASTATED. I WAS TOTALLY SCARED ABOUT THIS SITUATION AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. WE FOUND OUT LATER THAT THERE WAS ABUSE WE HADNT BEEN TOLD ABOUT BUT THE PEOPLE WHO KNEW WERE ADMONISHED NOT TO TELL.
WELL ABOUT 5 YRS LATER , WHEN I MOVED OUT ON MY OWN, IT WAS ME. AND SHAMEFULLY I HAVE TO ADMIT I DESERVED IT....TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
BUT THIS PASTOR STARTED CALLING MY DAUGHTERS INTO HIS OFFICE AND TELLING THEM TO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ME. AND WOULD SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND TELL ME WHAT I"NEEDED "TO DO AND TO OBEY HIM OR I WAS GOING TO SHRINK MY SOUL. HE WOULD TEEL MY FRIENDS AT THE CHURCH TO STAY AWAY FROM ME UNLESS THEY OK'D IT WITH HIM FIRST AND THAT ONLY HE COULD COMMUNICATE WITH ME. WELL OVER THE COURSE OF THE YEAR, MY SISTER MOVED IN WITH ME(35 YRS OLD) AND WATCHED AS THESE THINGS PROGRESSED. SHE KEPT TELLING ME TO GET AWAY FROM THEM BUT IT WAS SO HARD. I FELT I HAD TO BE ALLEGIANT TO THIS CHURCH BECAUSE THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO HAD OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART. ESPECIALLY SPIRITUALLY. BUT I DIDNT MOVE BACK TO MY HUSBAND BEFORE THE PASTORS CUT OFF TIME SO HE (DISCIPLINED) ME BEFORE THE CHURCH AND MY KIDS(14&16). LATER WHEN MY SISTER COULD STAND ON HER OWN TWO FEET AND NOT LOSE CUSTODY OF HER KIDS, I DID MOVE BACK WITH MY HUSBAND....RELUCTANTLY. DURING ALL THIS TIME RUMORS AND GOSSIP SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRES THROUGHOUT THE CHURCH ABOUT ME, MY DAUGHTERS AND MY SON AND ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAD COME TO THE APARTMENT. ONE OF THE TRUSTEES EVEN HAD ME ARRESTED ON TRUMPED UP CHARGES WHICH I HAD TO PAY A LAWYER FOR ONLY TO HAVE THE JUDGE THROW HIM OUT OF THE COURTROOM. I BELIEVE ALOT OF THESE RUMORS WERE STARTED BY MY HUSBAND BECAUSE OF WHAT MY KIDS WOULD TELL ME AFTER VISITS WITH HIM. I STIL FELT PULLED BY THIS CHURCH THOUGH.
THAT HAS BEEN 5 YRS. AGO NOW AND I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT WHOLE YEAR. THINGS I COULD HAVE SAID OR DONE TO CHANGE THINGS BUT I DIDNT. I JUST LET THIS PASTOR COME IN AND SAY TO ME SOME OF THE HARDEST THINGS THAT ID EVER HEARD AND DIDNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. OR IF I DID TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN I WAS BEING BITTER OR HAD "HEART" PROBLEMS OR MY SOUL HAD BEEN SHRUNK SO FAR....DADA DADA DADA. SO I JUST GAVE UP AND DID WHATEVER THE PASTOR TOLD ME TO DO....NOTHING ILLEGAL, BASICALLY JUST SHUT UP AND BE SUBMISSIVE, TO HIM TO MY HUSBAND AND TO THE CHURCH. DONT QUESTION ANYTHING, AND DONT CAUSE ANY WAVES BECAUSE AFTERALL "YOU HAVENT BEEN PERFECT". I SANK INTO THIS DEPRESSION WHICH I STILL BATTLE NOW. I CRY ALOT I STAY IN HOUSE. I DONT TALK TO MY HUSBAND EXCEPT ON A VERY SHALLOW LEVEL..."DID YOU FEED THE DOG" TYPE STUFF BECAUSE I DONT WANT A SERMON. I AM TIRED OF HEARING THAT MY KIDS ARE HELLBOUND BECAUSE OF ME.
THIS PASTOR HAS TOLD GROWN WOMEN OF THE CHURCH WHO THEY COULD BE FRIENDS WITH AND WHO TO BREAKUP FRIENDSHIPS WITH. HE EVEN TOLD ONE YOUNG WIDOW THAT SHE HAD SINNED WHEN SHE BOUGHT A MOTORCYCLE AFTER THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND TO TRY AND START NEW INTERESTS.
WELL THIS YEAR, THIS PASTOR STARTED IN ON MY GIRLS(17&19) RUMORS AND SOUL-SHRINKING AND POSSIBLY LOSS OF SALVATION.OTHER TEEN AGERS WERE TOLD TO NOT TALK , ASSOCIATE OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY GIRLS AND THOOSE WHO DID WERE PUNISHED. AND THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO LET HIM DO TO THEM WHAT HE DID TO ME. THERE WERE A FEW ALTERCATIONS THEN FINALLY I THREW HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE AND THREATENED A RESTRAINING ORDER IF HE COMES BACK.
THE PROBLEM IS THIS THOUGH. MY HUSBAND BELIEVES THAT GOD HAS CALLED US TO THIS CHURCH AND THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN DETERMINE WHERE WE SHOULD GO TO CHURCH BUT HIM. MY KIDS WONT EVEN GO ANYMORE AND I GET THE BLAME FOR THAT. I DONT GO THERE I GO SOMEWHERE ELSE BUT ALL I HEAR IS HOW IM HURTING THIS FAMILY BY MY UNSUBMISSIVE SPIRIT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE THE THOUGHT THAT I NEED TO BE SUBMISSIVE BUT I FEEL LIKE I WILL HAVE A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN IF I GO TO THAT CHURCH. I MEAN WE WERE TOLD THAT WE WERE TRAMPLING THE BLOOD OF JESUS JUST BECAUSE WE LAUGHED IN THIS CHURCH.
I AM SCARED TO MAKE DECISIONS ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING. I MEAN EVERYTHING I DO IS GOING TO HAVE SOME SPIRITUAL RAMIFICATION SO I JUST STAY IN MY HOUSE. I DONT TRUST PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN...I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.
BUT HOW DO I GO ON W/O LOSING MY FAITH OR CHANGING WHAT I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT. I HAVE A HARD TIME LISTENING TO OTHER PASTORS BECAUSE I KEEP THINKING THAT WHAT THIS PASTOR TAUGHT US IS THE ONLY TRUTH AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. THIS PASTOR EVEN TEACHES THAT IF YOU DONT GO TO THIS CHURCH THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT SAVED AND BRINGS YOUR NAME BEFORE THE CHURCH FOR PRAYER IF YOU LEAVE. GOD ONLY KNOWS WHATS BEEN SAID ABOUT ME SINCE I LEFT.
AM I CRAZY/? HAVING A PITY PARTY? BEING REBELLIOUS? MENOPAUSAL? GOING THROUGH A MID-LIFE CRISIS? WHATS WRONG WITH ME???? :confused:WHY DO I FEEL SUCH A PULL YET SUCH A FRIGHT ABOUT THIS CHURCH AND PASTOR??
FIRST OF ALL, IM 45, MARRIED AND HAVE 4 KIDS...NOW 25, 22, 20,AND18.
WE JOINED THIS CHURCH ABOUT 12-15 YRS. AGO(1992?) AND IT WAS WHAT WE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR. THE PEOPLE SEEMED TO CARE ABOUT US AND HELPED US IN ALOT OF WAYS FOR YEARS. I REALLY DO BELIEVE THEY WERE SINCERE. WELL AROUND 1995, THE CHURCH SECRETARY WAS EXCOMMUNICATED OR (CHURCH DISCIPLINED) ACCORDING TO SOME INFO THAT THE PASTOR BROUGHT BEFORE THE CHURCH. WELL BASED ON WHAT WE WERE TOLD, IT SEEMED AS THOUGH THE RIGHT THING TO DO. SHE MOVED AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY AND THE FAMILY OF 4 WAS DEVASTATED. I WAS TOTALLY SCARED ABOUT THIS SITUATION AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. WE FOUND OUT LATER THAT THERE WAS ABUSE WE HADNT BEEN TOLD ABOUT BUT THE PEOPLE WHO KNEW WERE ADMONISHED NOT TO TELL.
WELL ABOUT 5 YRS LATER , WHEN I MOVED OUT ON MY OWN, IT WAS ME. AND SHAMEFULLY I HAVE TO ADMIT I DESERVED IT....TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
BUT THIS PASTOR STARTED CALLING MY DAUGHTERS INTO HIS OFFICE AND TELLING THEM TO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ME. AND WOULD SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND TELL ME WHAT I"NEEDED "TO DO AND TO OBEY HIM OR I WAS GOING TO SHRINK MY SOUL. HE WOULD TEEL MY FRIENDS AT THE CHURCH TO STAY AWAY FROM ME UNLESS THEY OK'D IT WITH HIM FIRST AND THAT ONLY HE COULD COMMUNICATE WITH ME. WELL OVER THE COURSE OF THE YEAR, MY SISTER MOVED IN WITH ME(35 YRS OLD) AND WATCHED AS THESE THINGS PROGRESSED. SHE KEPT TELLING ME TO GET AWAY FROM THEM BUT IT WAS SO HARD. I FELT I HAD TO BE ALLEGIANT TO THIS CHURCH BECAUSE THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO HAD OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART. ESPECIALLY SPIRITUALLY. BUT I DIDNT MOVE BACK TO MY HUSBAND BEFORE THE PASTORS CUT OFF TIME SO HE (DISCIPLINED) ME BEFORE THE CHURCH AND MY KIDS(14&16). LATER WHEN MY SISTER COULD STAND ON HER OWN TWO FEET AND NOT LOSE CUSTODY OF HER KIDS, I DID MOVE BACK WITH MY HUSBAND....RELUCTANTLY. DURING ALL THIS TIME RUMORS AND GOSSIP SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRES THROUGHOUT THE CHURCH ABOUT ME, MY DAUGHTERS AND MY SON AND ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAD COME TO THE APARTMENT. ONE OF THE TRUSTEES EVEN HAD ME ARRESTED ON TRUMPED UP CHARGES WHICH I HAD TO PAY A LAWYER FOR ONLY TO HAVE THE JUDGE THROW HIM OUT OF THE COURTROOM. I BELIEVE ALOT OF THESE RUMORS WERE STARTED BY MY HUSBAND BECAUSE OF WHAT MY KIDS WOULD TELL ME AFTER VISITS WITH HIM. I STIL FELT PULLED BY THIS CHURCH THOUGH.
THAT HAS BEEN 5 YRS. AGO NOW AND I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT WHOLE YEAR. THINGS I COULD HAVE SAID OR DONE TO CHANGE THINGS BUT I DIDNT. I JUST LET THIS PASTOR COME IN AND SAY TO ME SOME OF THE HARDEST THINGS THAT ID EVER HEARD AND DIDNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. OR IF I DID TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN I WAS BEING BITTER OR HAD "HEART" PROBLEMS OR MY SOUL HAD BEEN SHRUNK SO FAR....DADA DADA DADA. SO I JUST GAVE UP AND DID WHATEVER THE PASTOR TOLD ME TO DO....NOTHING ILLEGAL, BASICALLY JUST SHUT UP AND BE SUBMISSIVE, TO HIM TO MY HUSBAND AND TO THE CHURCH. DONT QUESTION ANYTHING, AND DONT CAUSE ANY WAVES BECAUSE AFTERALL "YOU HAVENT BEEN PERFECT". I SANK INTO THIS DEPRESSION WHICH I STILL BATTLE NOW. I CRY ALOT I STAY IN HOUSE. I DONT TALK TO MY HUSBAND EXCEPT ON A VERY SHALLOW LEVEL..."DID YOU FEED THE DOG" TYPE STUFF BECAUSE I DONT WANT A SERMON. I AM TIRED OF HEARING THAT MY KIDS ARE HELLBOUND BECAUSE OF ME.
THIS PASTOR HAS TOLD GROWN WOMEN OF THE CHURCH WHO THEY COULD BE FRIENDS WITH AND WHO TO BREAKUP FRIENDSHIPS WITH. HE EVEN TOLD ONE YOUNG WIDOW THAT SHE HAD SINNED WHEN SHE BOUGHT A MOTORCYCLE AFTER THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND TO TRY AND START NEW INTERESTS.
WELL THIS YEAR, THIS PASTOR STARTED IN ON MY GIRLS(17&19) RUMORS AND SOUL-SHRINKING AND POSSIBLY LOSS OF SALVATION.OTHER TEEN AGERS WERE TOLD TO NOT TALK , ASSOCIATE OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY GIRLS AND THOOSE WHO DID WERE PUNISHED. AND THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO LET HIM DO TO THEM WHAT HE DID TO ME. THERE WERE A FEW ALTERCATIONS THEN FINALLY I THREW HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE AND THREATENED A RESTRAINING ORDER IF HE COMES BACK.
THE PROBLEM IS THIS THOUGH. MY HUSBAND BELIEVES THAT GOD HAS CALLED US TO THIS CHURCH AND THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN DETERMINE WHERE WE SHOULD GO TO CHURCH BUT HIM. MY KIDS WONT EVEN GO ANYMORE AND I GET THE BLAME FOR THAT. I DONT GO THERE I GO SOMEWHERE ELSE BUT ALL I HEAR IS HOW IM HURTING THIS FAMILY BY MY UNSUBMISSIVE SPIRIT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE THE THOUGHT THAT I NEED TO BE SUBMISSIVE BUT I FEEL LIKE I WILL HAVE A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN IF I GO TO THAT CHURCH. I MEAN WE WERE TOLD THAT WE WERE TRAMPLING THE BLOOD OF JESUS JUST BECAUSE WE LAUGHED IN THIS CHURCH.
I AM SCARED TO MAKE DECISIONS ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING. I MEAN EVERYTHING I DO IS GOING TO HAVE SOME SPIRITUAL RAMIFICATION SO I JUST STAY IN MY HOUSE. I DONT TRUST PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN...I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.
BUT HOW DO I GO ON W/O LOSING MY FAITH OR CHANGING WHAT I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT. I HAVE A HARD TIME LISTENING TO OTHER PASTORS BECAUSE I KEEP THINKING THAT WHAT THIS PASTOR TAUGHT US IS THE ONLY TRUTH AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. THIS PASTOR EVEN TEACHES THAT IF YOU DONT GO TO THIS CHURCH THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT SAVED AND BRINGS YOUR NAME BEFORE THE CHURCH FOR PRAYER IF YOU LEAVE. GOD ONLY KNOWS WHATS BEEN SAID ABOUT ME SINCE I LEFT.
AM I CRAZY/? HAVING A PITY PARTY? BEING REBELLIOUS? MENOPAUSAL? GOING THROUGH A MID-LIFE CRISIS? WHATS WRONG WITH ME???? :confused:WHY DO I FEEL SUCH A PULL YET SUCH A FRIGHT ABOUT THIS CHURCH AND PASTOR??