lavendre
05-11-2005, 02:45 AM
It really seems too hard to get to know people online. I can't see their faces and body language, they can't see mine. I can't hear their tone of voice. It like people are blind and deaf. We're all a bunch of Helen Kellers. (no offense to Helen Keller) No actually Helen Keller at least had the senses of touch and smell. So much of the dynamics of personality are left out so that there can be more misunderstandings than real life. The whole thing is triggering me lately. The fact that I was gaslighted on another forum last fall by someone who I thought was my friend has injured me more deeply than I thought. I can't get past it.
Anyway, the internet is getting too hard in the area of revealing my thoughts and feelings. I feel soul naked or something. It seems that people are revealing their deep feelings and secrets left and right so that deep feelings and secrets lose their character and become common place things. There is nothing private anymore. It is all getting so weird to me. A lot of us are doing it and are so used to reading what used to be private things that we don't even respect how important those things are to another person. It is like the internet is cheapening our internal states and feelings. I too have not responded to someone's revelation of their soul, when I was tired or didn't know what to say. We are hurting so how can we respond to everything? So many hurting people. Maybe some don't feel comfortable at all responding to this deep sharing in a public forum or even think it is inappropriate. I beginning to feel that way lately.
The kind of abuse I had from my mother had dynamics that are much like the nature of the net. And nothing against the internet...it is just the way that it is. Things are hidden, responses are sporadic, one time support another time nothing. Except my mom was intentional - set me up to smash me down.
We are hurting so much and want support and are crying out. It is all so sad. It is like we are taking what scraps we can get.
And if a person is in a hurry and doesn't take time to be absolutely clear in what they write, or take time to carefully read, people get the wrong idea. And then they might get the wrong idea anyway. If a person doesn't respond or acknowledge the sentiment of the message at least, it is a trigger just like my mom's silent treatment. I am not well enough to stick something important to me out there and wait and maybe not even get a response to my sharing at all. That is too much like life with my mom. So sharing on the internet has become wrong for me . It doesn't matter that there is some factor of being anonymous too. I get triggered nonetheless.
At least in real life I can see the person's reaction right away and stop the sharing if they aren't interested. I certainly wouldn't share such in such a vulnerable way.
I don't even like telephones. I like real life. I can see if my neighbor kicks his dog. They can see how I act also. We can give someone a hug. Take a meal to someone. We see the person in action.
Anyway, this trying to be establish relationships over the internet isn't working for me. I think the natural healthy course of building relationships is being disrupted by the online culture. I need to get to know someone and slowly reveal and build trust before I share my insides. I mean, good grief, I don't even know the things people usually share with one another...like their favorite food or whatever. I feel like we people on the net are just a bunch of emotions, hurts and ideas and opinions floating around bumping into each other. What we think of each other is taken from what we can remember from what a person posts and we make a profile of the person in our imagination. Some of us have better imaginations and memories than others, we are the ones who get hurt more I think. But our ideas of each other are just all our imaginations anyway.
Anyway the internet is for the tough. I knew that long ago. I've been on the internet about ten years. Then I crashed. PTSDland. The internet has become a huge trigger to me. I need to feel safe right now to heal.
I really appreciate all the support. I have seen love in the words of those who wrote to me. Thank you for your prayers.There is real support going on here. I pray that this place flourishes.
Thank you everyone. It was worth the experience while the experience was easier. I really have grown to appreciate those who interacted with me. It will be a joy to really meet you in heaven some day and see how close I was in my imagination.
Love,
Rebecca
Anyway, the internet is getting too hard in the area of revealing my thoughts and feelings. I feel soul naked or something. It seems that people are revealing their deep feelings and secrets left and right so that deep feelings and secrets lose their character and become common place things. There is nothing private anymore. It is all getting so weird to me. A lot of us are doing it and are so used to reading what used to be private things that we don't even respect how important those things are to another person. It is like the internet is cheapening our internal states and feelings. I too have not responded to someone's revelation of their soul, when I was tired or didn't know what to say. We are hurting so how can we respond to everything? So many hurting people. Maybe some don't feel comfortable at all responding to this deep sharing in a public forum or even think it is inappropriate. I beginning to feel that way lately.
The kind of abuse I had from my mother had dynamics that are much like the nature of the net. And nothing against the internet...it is just the way that it is. Things are hidden, responses are sporadic, one time support another time nothing. Except my mom was intentional - set me up to smash me down.
We are hurting so much and want support and are crying out. It is all so sad. It is like we are taking what scraps we can get.
And if a person is in a hurry and doesn't take time to be absolutely clear in what they write, or take time to carefully read, people get the wrong idea. And then they might get the wrong idea anyway. If a person doesn't respond or acknowledge the sentiment of the message at least, it is a trigger just like my mom's silent treatment. I am not well enough to stick something important to me out there and wait and maybe not even get a response to my sharing at all. That is too much like life with my mom. So sharing on the internet has become wrong for me . It doesn't matter that there is some factor of being anonymous too. I get triggered nonetheless.
At least in real life I can see the person's reaction right away and stop the sharing if they aren't interested. I certainly wouldn't share such in such a vulnerable way.
I don't even like telephones. I like real life. I can see if my neighbor kicks his dog. They can see how I act also. We can give someone a hug. Take a meal to someone. We see the person in action.
Anyway, this trying to be establish relationships over the internet isn't working for me. I think the natural healthy course of building relationships is being disrupted by the online culture. I need to get to know someone and slowly reveal and build trust before I share my insides. I mean, good grief, I don't even know the things people usually share with one another...like their favorite food or whatever. I feel like we people on the net are just a bunch of emotions, hurts and ideas and opinions floating around bumping into each other. What we think of each other is taken from what we can remember from what a person posts and we make a profile of the person in our imagination. Some of us have better imaginations and memories than others, we are the ones who get hurt more I think. But our ideas of each other are just all our imaginations anyway.
Anyway the internet is for the tough. I knew that long ago. I've been on the internet about ten years. Then I crashed. PTSDland. The internet has become a huge trigger to me. I need to feel safe right now to heal.
I really appreciate all the support. I have seen love in the words of those who wrote to me. Thank you for your prayers.There is real support going on here. I pray that this place flourishes.
Thank you everyone. It was worth the experience while the experience was easier. I really have grown to appreciate those who interacted with me. It will be a joy to really meet you in heaven some day and see how close I was in my imagination.
Love,
Rebecca