Velveteen Rabbit
09-24-2004, 08:22 PM
When I was in Toronto this past weekend, I had dinner with my second cousin, a wonderful woman in her early 40s who is also single. Although we've known each other since I was little, it's only been in the last couple of years that we've "discovered" each other as peers and now as friends. We've become very close very quickly and have more in common than we could have imagined.
Anyway, so of course we had the HUGE talk about singleness / marriage / men etc. on Sunday night. We didn't just console each other -- we challenged each other, too. Questions she asked me about my feelings for "J" helped me put things into perspective and I had to admit that I have never been totally convinced that he's the husband God has chosen for me... that if someone else came along who better fit my "ideal", I could probably easily move on... that perhaps my feelings for him have been so powerful because he's really the first guy who has been such a good, close friend with so many of the qualities I admire and appreciate. It's probably been a grown-up version of puppy love -- a lot deeper and stronger feelings, but not ... I don't know how to explain it. Just not quite IT.
Anyway, I feel like she gave me the courage to go ahead and move on, trusting that God is watching over me and is carrying out His plans for my life. The protective part of me feels like I'd be doing J wrong by moving on -- like it shows I don't truly love him or something. But I think the truth is that I'd actually be doing him a favour. I probably have some codependent tendencies and don't like the idea that he doesn't need me to love him. But I think I can probably get over that, with God's help.
I also think I will be doing myself a favour. How can I reach the places God wants to take me if I'm clinging to the wrong things?
Sigh... it's easier to write this than to do it. I have a little ache in my heart but I want to do it. I'm scared of staying in the past. But I'm also a little scared of the future.
Jesus, please help me to cast my anxieties on you and to know with confidence that your plans for me are the best. Please forgive me for trying to control my life instead of entrusting it into your hands. Thanks for patiently teaching me and guiding me. Please give me the courage to do what you want me to do. Please help me to let go of J once and for all. Please help me to accept your will. And to trust it. Thank you that you HAVE a will for my life. I love you.
Amen.
Anyway, so of course we had the HUGE talk about singleness / marriage / men etc. on Sunday night. We didn't just console each other -- we challenged each other, too. Questions she asked me about my feelings for "J" helped me put things into perspective and I had to admit that I have never been totally convinced that he's the husband God has chosen for me... that if someone else came along who better fit my "ideal", I could probably easily move on... that perhaps my feelings for him have been so powerful because he's really the first guy who has been such a good, close friend with so many of the qualities I admire and appreciate. It's probably been a grown-up version of puppy love -- a lot deeper and stronger feelings, but not ... I don't know how to explain it. Just not quite IT.
Anyway, I feel like she gave me the courage to go ahead and move on, trusting that God is watching over me and is carrying out His plans for my life. The protective part of me feels like I'd be doing J wrong by moving on -- like it shows I don't truly love him or something. But I think the truth is that I'd actually be doing him a favour. I probably have some codependent tendencies and don't like the idea that he doesn't need me to love him. But I think I can probably get over that, with God's help.
I also think I will be doing myself a favour. How can I reach the places God wants to take me if I'm clinging to the wrong things?
Sigh... it's easier to write this than to do it. I have a little ache in my heart but I want to do it. I'm scared of staying in the past. But I'm also a little scared of the future.
Jesus, please help me to cast my anxieties on you and to know with confidence that your plans for me are the best. Please forgive me for trying to control my life instead of entrusting it into your hands. Thanks for patiently teaching me and guiding me. Please give me the courage to do what you want me to do. Please help me to let go of J once and for all. Please help me to accept your will. And to trust it. Thank you that you HAVE a will for my life. I love you.
Amen.