Help/prayers Needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ex-sheep-s wife]

This hurts. My husband is mad becuase my mother was planing to come down and visit with me this weekend and he was not asked he was told she was coming down. He is having to work this weekend because of huricane Francis and he does not want any guests. If she comes down he will cancel my flight benefits for 1 year and he will stay at a motel for the weekend and deduct what the motel charges for a room against what he owes for rent. I am not a happy camper. I feel that he is making it next to impossible for me to see her.

[Zoe]

Why doesn't your mom stay in the motel & you visit her there? Just a suggestion, though I hesitate to get in the middle of a hubby & a wife.

Zoe

[Oopsie Daisey]

Dear Sister:

You don't control your mom and you can only be responsible for what you do.
You can't control what your husband says or doesn't say but you can be responsible for what you say. Since, I have never made a relationship work..I mean a marriage, the only counsel I have to say is that no matter what that don't take away from your mom being your mom and your husband being your husband you are caught between the people you love and how painful that is. The only thing I have to suggest, is to weigh carefully what you can live with because this will be something you really need to be able to say that you know you done right on. What a horrible position...to be split between your mom and your hubby. Moms are so special and especially when they live away from you.... and yet your husband is your lifelong partner and there for you when ya when mom goes back.

Let me assure you. This situation is in my prayers. I am so sorry that your poor mom who is innocent is going to feel the effects of the strain between you and your husband and quite possibly not enjoy it as much. This is so sad.

I am praying.

Melanie

[Margaret]

I can understand his being angry that he wasn't asked but don't you think cancelling your flight privileges for a year and deducting what he owes for rent a bit controlling and over the top? I hope the two of you can sit down, listen to each other and come to a more reasonable compromise.

[jackie021]

Hello sister,

My parents came to town last week they brought their two dogs. They live 3 hours from us but do not visit because my husband doesnt like it. My husband drank so much I doubt he remembers their visit. The cat disappeared for the day.

My cat forgave me the next day but my husband hasnt spoken a word to me since they left.

My question is ... is this controlling behavior on your husbands part a one-time incident or ongoing?

I have been married for 20 years. And it has been a rough ride. But thanks be to our wonderful God, He is the healer of wounds, the very light of our path, the truest Lover of all!

I would love to talk with you and share more.

Yours,
jackie


"This hurts. My husband is mad becuase my mother was planing to come down and visit with me this weekend and he was not asked he was told she was coming down. He is having to work this weekend because of huricane Francis and he does not want any guests. If she comes down he will cancel my flight benefits for 1 year and he will stay at a motel for the weekend and deduct what the motel charges for a room against what he owes for rent. I am not a happy camper. I feel that he is making it next to impossible for me to see her."

[MCM (Mary)]

Welcome newcomers Zoe, Margaret, and Jackie. Your participation here is much appreciated.

Ex-shep's wife, your post was a few days ago. I hope things worked out somewhat.

[Jerry]

Hi Guys,,,
I am sorry,,,,but I can't/woun't understand a spouse male or female that inflicts this kind of emotional abuse....If we truly love our spouse,,,,then we will treat the people they love with nothing but respect and kindness,weather we like our inlaws or not. This behavior on the part of these men is inexcuseable!!!!!!....It isn't abuse,,,,,hate,,,,,loathing,,,,,or any other thing but what it in fact is,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,INFANTILE!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!,,,,,,and DOWNRIGHT SELFISHNESS!!! :mad:
Love Jerry,,,,,,,,,,,but still :mad:

[ex-shep]

Hi Guys,,,
I am sorry,,,,but I can't/woun't understand a spouse male or female that inflicts this kind of emotional abuse....If we truly love our spouse,,,,then we will treat the people they love with nothing but respect and kindness,weather we like our inlaws or not. This behavior on the part of these men is inexcuseable!!!!!!....It isn't abuse,,,,,hate,,,,,loathing,,,,,or any other thing but what it in fact is,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,INFANTILE!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!,,,,,,and DOWNRIGHT SELFISHNESS!!! :mad:
Love Jerry,,,,,,,,,,,but still :mad:


A little background and clarification is needed. My wife and I did talk about the situation. I also discussed the matter with several co-workers, EAP counselors, dispatch, and several supervisors. I contacted 12 step buddies and and on line support groups The concensus was given the crisis mode at work, it would be a bad time to accept company. I was also getting conflicting messages whether my inlaws would respect my boundaries for my need for rest.

Originally what had happened, was I was planning to surprise my wife with a vaction out of town and I was planning to restore her flight priveleges as part of her continuing and improved recovery. [I am little hesistant about going into why the benefits were revoked, there is an issue of codependent triangulation at work. I am going to have to come back to that another time] I was able to get extended time off with trades and vacation. I was planning to surprise her.

I came home from work the Monday before Labour Day and was hit with "my mother is coming down this weekend. She already made the reservations" I felt angry and violated that our time together was thrown assunder. I also felt my boundaries were being violated because nobody bother to consult with the Shep family. Somehow Mr Shep's values do not count and I was feeling devalued/ I spent four years in my cult and grew up in a family where boundaries were routinely violated. I did feel like my weekend plans were yanked out from under me.

The unannounced viset was culture shock to me. I have healthy relationship with my extended family. We do have standards where if we wanted to visit one another, we would plan far ahead and ask if it were OK and would they be free to come in from out of town.

I did talk to my mother in law. I was a little irked that I got a different story. Her version was my wife said we were not doing anything so come on down. Both agreed to plan ahead next time.

I was acting immaturely about it at times. I will be honest in retrospect. I would have settled down, got over it, my inlaws would have come into town and we would have had a grand old time. I already had some thoughts of where we could take them--- then Hurricane Frances hit at work.

The work enviroment is physically and emotionally draining. 10 hours of irate, frantic customers, who cannot understand why we are unable meet their needs until the storm has passed, gets old. The work enviroment becomes something of an emotional casualty ward. I knew I was going to need my rest between shifts. I was also detecting that my inlaws seemed to be unwilling to respect my need for rest. This is where the my checking into a hotel came up. I was receiving conflicting messages whether my space would be respected. I was unable to explain why I was unable to accept company given the crisis mode at work. The closest analogy is the work enviroment during a hurricane is like the last final of the semester. I was unable to explain that it would not right for me to barge in on my children, hypothetically, where they were taking their finals and that the enviroement was quite similar.


The messages I was receiving was "we are coming and you do not like that is tough" and "we can't wait to see you" Co-workers were aghast at the insensitivity of my in laws. The consensus I was receiving was that I needed to take care of myself and set boundaries. I called my in-laws and advised that due to the crisis conditions at work, the shep family was not in a position to accept company. My inlaws demamded that they were coming down. This was when I was forced to revoke all family members flight priveleges for one year.

My wife and I had a long chat Thursday night before Labour Day. The sense of the conversation was that yes there was miscommunication. Had it not been for the emergency that blew up at work, I am sure my in laws would have had a good time. I did restore my wife;s flight benefits. I did try to get her on a flight to visit her mother in Ohio. Unfortunately the flights looked bad for the holiday weekend, so my wife's visit was saddly scrapped. My wife and I are trying to figure out financial ammends and least partially reimburse them for part of their losses. Ultimately my inlaws did decline attempts at financial amends. We had considered giving them flight passes. Unfortunately that would have been too much of a financial hit with my wife only working part time.

The Tenth step urges to continue to take personal inventory and if wrong promptly admit it. My summarial sense and the feedback of others is that there was clash of intentions and cultures. I am sure there are ways I might have been more mature about the whole affair. I also felt that my boundaries were bing grossly violated. My wife and I have been talking about the affair and are looking for avenues of ammends. I have not obsessed about it. I have matter of factly set what I was able and unable to do. I have stayed emotionally honest.

Of course this weekend, we have another meteorological visitor to tend to at work. So if one does not mind, I will crawl back under the covers before going back for another stint at the casualty ward.

[Oopsie Daisey]

Dear Ex-Shep and Mrs. Ex-Shep.....

I think you both have been violated by the board. I personally want to apologize for being one of them. Mrs. Shep asked for prayer and we all start handing our opinions out to you. For my action, I apologize and say that in the future should a prayer request come up, you can count on me to pray and no unsolicited advice nor an opinion will be presented. I love you both and I am sure you will both continue to work on your issues. It is good to have loving support and the prayers of people who care.


You have been most gracious both of you to the board, in view of the fact, that this was only a prayer request...not up for debate, opinions or advice.......Thank you both for your very honest lives.


Love to you both,
Melanie
:)

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=Melanie]Dear Ex-Shep and Mrs. Ex-Shep.....

I think you both have been violated by the board. I personally want to apologize for being one of them. Mrs. Shep asked for prayer and we all start handing our opinions out to you. For my action, I apologize and say that in the future should a prayer request come up, you can count on me to pray and no unsolicited advice nor an opinion will be presented. I love you both and I am sure you will both continue to work on your issues. It is good to have loving support and the prayers of people who care.


You have been most gracious both of you to the board, in view of the fact, that this was only a prayer request...not up for debate, opinions or advice.......Thank you both for your very honest lives.


Love to you both,
Melanie


Not to worry. The situation was supposed to go the way it was meant to be. Apology accepted of course. I also suggest to my wife we might want to take what we post, so as not inadvertantly air our dirty laundry. Sounds like a learning experience for all of us.

[Jerry]

Dear Exshep,,,,,
While I stand on what I posted in principal,,,,,,,,I can see from your post that there is a process going on that I should but out ...So I will.....When I post,,,,I post feelings about what I have read and sometimes that involves opinion.Since we on this board are working together to get better I think opinion does have a place here,,,it's part of the interaction.....Having stated that,,,,,I also appriciate Melanies Post.....Melanies post made me realize that I was too "Heavy Handed" I could have communicated the same principal ,had my opinion,and done it more diplomaticly,,,,,,,,I apologise to you ,,,and your wife. :confused:
Love Jerry