Florence
09-24-2004, 11:28 AM
I wonder if I will ever learn.
Several years ago, I was in an abusive church. Of course, I didn't know that until my husband and I described our situation to my brother-in-law who happened to work for the publisher of "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" and also attended the church pastored by David, one of the co-authors. My brother-in-law gave us the book and we could have been a case study for it - every single thing in there we had experienced.
God led us to another church that, though not perfect, offered us rest and healing - or so we thought. It took about a year before I was comfortable even showing up for a choir rehearsal there - I have a music degree and am currently working on a seminary degree, a Master of Arts in Religion with an emphasis in Worship Studies. I also, through this time, had a position for 5 years as a professor in Worship Studies at a Bible college. More on what I do now in a moment.
Anyway, about a year after I joined the choir, they hired a new, full-time "worship coordinator." Several of the people expressed their dismay at this man's hiring, but they were anxious to fill the position and he was the only candidate (of 2 who applied) who was viable.
This man opened the door for me to participate more and more in the worship ministry. It took me about 8 months to figure out that he cared nothing about the church or the people who attened there. "I hate the choir", "I wouldn't do anything for this church if they didn't pay me", and "Hey, if you look good I look good and if you look bad, I look even better" were just a few of the things he had the nerve to say to me.
After several months of extending grace to this fellow, doing the Matthew 18 thing and talking to him about my concerns (to which he responded, "You bet! I will do better!), I finally went to the pastor who steered me to the personnel committee (by the way, this is a church with an average attendance of 2500). They set up a joint meeting with me and this guy and from the moment I walked in, I knew that because I had pointed out the problem, I had become the problem. I was immediately labeled the "bad person" and told that I would no longer be able to work with him.
That was not a problem for me. I had faith that these were good people with the best of intentions - I had several lengthy discussions with the senior pastor in which we agreed that the guy should not be expected to be perfect and I was assured that he was being mentored, etc. In fact, the senior pastor seemed to be very interested in helping me in whatever way necessary for me to reach a point of healing from my past church experience, and I went on to confide deeply in him over the next several years.
I went on, over the next 3 years, to a co-leadership position with the worship team for the women's ministry. Unfortunately, the "worship coordinator" was doing his best to convince as many people as possible that I was definitely the "bad person" and it seemed that no matter what I did, there were a couple of people who would insist that I was a terrible person.
Several things came together about a year and a half ago - my boss quit and wasn't going to be replaced so I had to "take up the slack", I was taking more seminary courses, I had family obligations, etc. and I was tired of being condemned by one of the women on the worship team, so I decided to quit doing that and focus on my family, job (which was actually a ministry), and education.
Six months later (last summer), another local church that had gone through a terrible "worship war" asked me to come in and be their "worship coordinator." I said I would but that they needed to know that I would not be moving my membership from my current church, nor would my family be changing churches. I explained to them that these were not ideal conditions and that perhaps they should look for someone who could be "sold out" to them - something I could not do - I truly felt that God had placed me at my church, I had found some semblance of healing there, and my family and I were happy there. I talked to my senior pastor and he encouraged me to take the position. I ended up resigning from the Bible college and taking this worship coordinator position.
Because my home church has several services, I have been able lead worship at the place I work and to still attend a later service with my family.
Being in church broken over worship - and working in the midst of the pain as a worship leader has not been easy. I had come to the realization that the Lord was calling me away from that position. At the same time, the worship coordinator at my home church resigned they posted both a full and part time position to replace him. I immediately applied for the part-time position.
Well, I never heard and never heard until one day several people told my husband and I that the position had been filled. I sent an email to the senior pastor (my trusted confidante) and asked why, as an applicant, I hadn't been informed before the announcement was made. Well, come to find out, I was the only applicant, so they went out and found 4 other people who will "rotate" on a volunteer basis to cover this position because they don't want to hire me.
I was told that not enough time has passed since the trouble I had with the worship coordinator (6 years ago now) and I would need to work my way up, and measure up. I was also told that the leadership of the church would determine when I was "ready" to participate in the music/worship ministry again, but first I would have to quit my job and attend there exclusively, go to classes, and "work my way up." I was completely stunned. These kinds of expectations when I was the one who designed the Worship Ministries program at the local college, who has done this kind of work for years with great success? And now I'm supposed to "work my way up"? The stuff I had experienced at my previous church suddenly came rushing back and I am now feeling so naive, foolish, and betrayed.
I sent my senior pastor a lengthy email in which I explained to him my journey to spiritual health and how I simply cannot put myself in a position where I have to measure up. I cannot always be wondering if people are watching me and judging me and raising the bar whenever I seem to be getting too close.
He has not responded. I thought we had such a great relationship - he was like a brother to me and now I found out that all along, I was never in his "good graces."
I know that there are times when someone does something or shows a pattern of behavior (maybe they are just down-right mean) that would cause the leadership so say, "You're not quite ready for this", but why would my pastor recommend that I take a position at another church if he thought I wouldn't be good enough in my own? To get rid of me? He knew that wasn't going to happen.
I am so disappointed. Now I'm just trying to process what all of this means.
Sorry this is so long.
Several years ago, I was in an abusive church. Of course, I didn't know that until my husband and I described our situation to my brother-in-law who happened to work for the publisher of "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" and also attended the church pastored by David, one of the co-authors. My brother-in-law gave us the book and we could have been a case study for it - every single thing in there we had experienced.
God led us to another church that, though not perfect, offered us rest and healing - or so we thought. It took about a year before I was comfortable even showing up for a choir rehearsal there - I have a music degree and am currently working on a seminary degree, a Master of Arts in Religion with an emphasis in Worship Studies. I also, through this time, had a position for 5 years as a professor in Worship Studies at a Bible college. More on what I do now in a moment.
Anyway, about a year after I joined the choir, they hired a new, full-time "worship coordinator." Several of the people expressed their dismay at this man's hiring, but they were anxious to fill the position and he was the only candidate (of 2 who applied) who was viable.
This man opened the door for me to participate more and more in the worship ministry. It took me about 8 months to figure out that he cared nothing about the church or the people who attened there. "I hate the choir", "I wouldn't do anything for this church if they didn't pay me", and "Hey, if you look good I look good and if you look bad, I look even better" were just a few of the things he had the nerve to say to me.
After several months of extending grace to this fellow, doing the Matthew 18 thing and talking to him about my concerns (to which he responded, "You bet! I will do better!), I finally went to the pastor who steered me to the personnel committee (by the way, this is a church with an average attendance of 2500). They set up a joint meeting with me and this guy and from the moment I walked in, I knew that because I had pointed out the problem, I had become the problem. I was immediately labeled the "bad person" and told that I would no longer be able to work with him.
That was not a problem for me. I had faith that these were good people with the best of intentions - I had several lengthy discussions with the senior pastor in which we agreed that the guy should not be expected to be perfect and I was assured that he was being mentored, etc. In fact, the senior pastor seemed to be very interested in helping me in whatever way necessary for me to reach a point of healing from my past church experience, and I went on to confide deeply in him over the next several years.
I went on, over the next 3 years, to a co-leadership position with the worship team for the women's ministry. Unfortunately, the "worship coordinator" was doing his best to convince as many people as possible that I was definitely the "bad person" and it seemed that no matter what I did, there were a couple of people who would insist that I was a terrible person.
Several things came together about a year and a half ago - my boss quit and wasn't going to be replaced so I had to "take up the slack", I was taking more seminary courses, I had family obligations, etc. and I was tired of being condemned by one of the women on the worship team, so I decided to quit doing that and focus on my family, job (which was actually a ministry), and education.
Six months later (last summer), another local church that had gone through a terrible "worship war" asked me to come in and be their "worship coordinator." I said I would but that they needed to know that I would not be moving my membership from my current church, nor would my family be changing churches. I explained to them that these were not ideal conditions and that perhaps they should look for someone who could be "sold out" to them - something I could not do - I truly felt that God had placed me at my church, I had found some semblance of healing there, and my family and I were happy there. I talked to my senior pastor and he encouraged me to take the position. I ended up resigning from the Bible college and taking this worship coordinator position.
Because my home church has several services, I have been able lead worship at the place I work and to still attend a later service with my family.
Being in church broken over worship - and working in the midst of the pain as a worship leader has not been easy. I had come to the realization that the Lord was calling me away from that position. At the same time, the worship coordinator at my home church resigned they posted both a full and part time position to replace him. I immediately applied for the part-time position.
Well, I never heard and never heard until one day several people told my husband and I that the position had been filled. I sent an email to the senior pastor (my trusted confidante) and asked why, as an applicant, I hadn't been informed before the announcement was made. Well, come to find out, I was the only applicant, so they went out and found 4 other people who will "rotate" on a volunteer basis to cover this position because they don't want to hire me.
I was told that not enough time has passed since the trouble I had with the worship coordinator (6 years ago now) and I would need to work my way up, and measure up. I was also told that the leadership of the church would determine when I was "ready" to participate in the music/worship ministry again, but first I would have to quit my job and attend there exclusively, go to classes, and "work my way up." I was completely stunned. These kinds of expectations when I was the one who designed the Worship Ministries program at the local college, who has done this kind of work for years with great success? And now I'm supposed to "work my way up"? The stuff I had experienced at my previous church suddenly came rushing back and I am now feeling so naive, foolish, and betrayed.
I sent my senior pastor a lengthy email in which I explained to him my journey to spiritual health and how I simply cannot put myself in a position where I have to measure up. I cannot always be wondering if people are watching me and judging me and raising the bar whenever I seem to be getting too close.
He has not responded. I thought we had such a great relationship - he was like a brother to me and now I found out that all along, I was never in his "good graces."
I know that there are times when someone does something or shows a pattern of behavior (maybe they are just down-right mean) that would cause the leadership so say, "You're not quite ready for this", but why would my pastor recommend that I take a position at another church if he thought I wouldn't be good enough in my own? To get rid of me? He knew that wasn't going to happen.
I am so disappointed. Now I'm just trying to process what all of this means.
Sorry this is so long.