eva
04-04-2005, 02:43 PM
Today I went for a lecture about the burn-out syndrome. That is, I meant it would be a lecture; it was much more something like sharing. The man who had the lecture spoke about his own experience of this syndrome. And I felt the same again - he was talking about me...
I went through this about six years ago, as a doctor of the haematological department of a great hospital. I rememberd exactly the feelings of total emptiness, no joy, no love, no real interest in anything and anybody. Looking at a beautiful sunset and saying to myself: Oh, that really must be beautiful - but I feel nothing. Looking at my own beautiful children, even, and feeling nothing! I was sure I wouldn´t be able to feel anything till the end of my life, except of tremendous fear of responsibility. In fact, my life was either scaring me or boring me. I remember my hands trembling and my heart beating fast during night duties, waiting whole the night for some catastrophe that I wouldn´t be able to cope with; and all the time I felt like a huge failure. Why the others were able to do this work, and I wasn´t? I had the brains; I had the knowledge; I had even lots of patience with people, and empathy; but I wasn´t able to go on with the work; others were. It had to be all my fault.
Now I see things differently - a bit, yes. Maybe I really was handicapped by my child experiences of abuse and alcoholism; maybe I just chose something I wasn´t made for... Maybe it was just my false idea that if I had enough of willpower I had to cope with anything; that to serve my Lord I have to chose the hardest way, the most difficult things... Now I know that is not true. Maybe I´m just - human... :)
Thanks that you heard me.
Eva
I went through this about six years ago, as a doctor of the haematological department of a great hospital. I rememberd exactly the feelings of total emptiness, no joy, no love, no real interest in anything and anybody. Looking at a beautiful sunset and saying to myself: Oh, that really must be beautiful - but I feel nothing. Looking at my own beautiful children, even, and feeling nothing! I was sure I wouldn´t be able to feel anything till the end of my life, except of tremendous fear of responsibility. In fact, my life was either scaring me or boring me. I remember my hands trembling and my heart beating fast during night duties, waiting whole the night for some catastrophe that I wouldn´t be able to cope with; and all the time I felt like a huge failure. Why the others were able to do this work, and I wasn´t? I had the brains; I had the knowledge; I had even lots of patience with people, and empathy; but I wasn´t able to go on with the work; others were. It had to be all my fault.
Now I see things differently - a bit, yes. Maybe I really was handicapped by my child experiences of abuse and alcoholism; maybe I just chose something I wasn´t made for... Maybe it was just my false idea that if I had enough of willpower I had to cope with anything; that to serve my Lord I have to chose the hardest way, the most difficult things... Now I know that is not true. Maybe I´m just - human... :)
Thanks that you heard me.
Eva