Kerrin
04-03-2005, 09:46 PM
:confused:
Last night my 13y/o told me I'm depressing to be around. She snapped at me when I made reference to her dad.., it wasn't derogatory or anything; in fact i don't think I've been honest enough with her about how "dangerous" he is.... he was EXTREMLY violent towards me!
Am I still in love with him? Maybe the idea of being in love? Or maybe I 'm more sad about how our life should've been......
He was aTexan, handsome, charming, in the Navy ,(when I met him here in Perth!).....I was so madly in love with him.
I always swore no man would ever hit me. I don't really know when it started.
I guess I'd always been used to being treated bad so when he just took off and left me for ,sometimes days on end....... I just "put up" with it.
I tried living in Texas for a while..... i got too homesick and his dad was always telling him off for mis-treatring me......DAH, I still didn't get it.
I always thought things would get better, especially when we moved to Australia..My home.. I thought he would give up drugs etc....
Stupid me. He'd been here 2 days and had a source!
As my counsellor says; these men , as well as mistreating you, somehow know how "special" to make you feel..
That was so true!
For all the times he was so sweet to me I argued with myself that he "was" changing..
Anyway no-one believed he was hurting me, 'cos when we were out he would be all over me saying how "beautiful;" I was, how "lucky" he was...
When he'd hit me..... He would cry and say I made him do it.
He said, waving his bible at me. I didn't "get" what being a wife meant!
That I had to do everything he asked and more; including his infidelities, his sexual abuse of me. etc.....
I was so dumb!
I would ask why I couldn't go with him to football finctions etc and why he smelled like perfume...
He would say i was imagining things and I wouldn't enjoy myself anyway....
He was incredibly posessive.For the 14 years we were married he would phone me at work in the morning and then in the afternoon, what time was I going to be home.... I would panic if i was going to be late!
My work colleagues thought he was so sweet; sending me huge gift baskets etc..
Funny how it was always to places where others would see these "loving" acts..
He played grid iron, weight lifted.........he was a big boy!!!!
I lost weight to a 45 kg low....
I was too nervous to eat , what mood would he be in???
He had great jobs, and no-one suspected his drug abuse,(speed, weed, cocaine......his best friend was/is serving time in Huntsville!)
You see how stupid I am.
I later discovered the police were after him when we came here, he just "escaped"!!
I was his "ticket" out of there i guess.
What i don't understand is how he could be so loving and kind and then beat the crap out of me.
The happiest time of my life with him was when i was pregnant; he NEVER laida hand on me.. I thought the time had come... we started going to a Baptist church. He cried holding our new- born baby.
I really thought "that" was it. I WAS going to be happy with this man I loved soooo much.
Not so,
Things got worse............Thje rest is history, my suicide attempt......his multiple police charges for stalking and harrassing me....... I recently heard he is in Thailand and coming back to Australia, the police told me to ensure I had my AVO on me at all times.
It's been 6years since he left our lives,(10 since i left him!).
My daughter says I don't shut -up about him.
She is so like him, especially as she gets older I look at her and i see him!!
She asks questions; I answer; that triggers more memories.....
I'm so confused.
I really think I am seriously "sick" ,to say I could possibly still love this person who consistantly hurt me.
I don't think anyone in their right mind should come near me.
At the end of the day......... I simply loved him so much and our life "should've" been different!!
That's what is SAD! We had it all. A beautiful home, good jobs and income, a beautiful child; and he chose the road I didn't choose to walk with him........in the end.
Having got that off my chest, i feel lighter,
I WILL always love him for giving me "her", but it was him who decided our fate!
Sad as that is, Irealize I must now leave it behind and move on...
Thankls for listening my cyber pals..
Kerrin :o ;)
Last night my 13y/o told me I'm depressing to be around. She snapped at me when I made reference to her dad.., it wasn't derogatory or anything; in fact i don't think I've been honest enough with her about how "dangerous" he is.... he was EXTREMLY violent towards me!
Am I still in love with him? Maybe the idea of being in love? Or maybe I 'm more sad about how our life should've been......
He was aTexan, handsome, charming, in the Navy ,(when I met him here in Perth!).....I was so madly in love with him.
I always swore no man would ever hit me. I don't really know when it started.
I guess I'd always been used to being treated bad so when he just took off and left me for ,sometimes days on end....... I just "put up" with it.
I tried living in Texas for a while..... i got too homesick and his dad was always telling him off for mis-treatring me......DAH, I still didn't get it.
I always thought things would get better, especially when we moved to Australia..My home.. I thought he would give up drugs etc....
Stupid me. He'd been here 2 days and had a source!
As my counsellor says; these men , as well as mistreating you, somehow know how "special" to make you feel..
That was so true!
For all the times he was so sweet to me I argued with myself that he "was" changing..
Anyway no-one believed he was hurting me, 'cos when we were out he would be all over me saying how "beautiful;" I was, how "lucky" he was...
When he'd hit me..... He would cry and say I made him do it.
He said, waving his bible at me. I didn't "get" what being a wife meant!
That I had to do everything he asked and more; including his infidelities, his sexual abuse of me. etc.....
I was so dumb!
I would ask why I couldn't go with him to football finctions etc and why he smelled like perfume...
He would say i was imagining things and I wouldn't enjoy myself anyway....
He was incredibly posessive.For the 14 years we were married he would phone me at work in the morning and then in the afternoon, what time was I going to be home.... I would panic if i was going to be late!
My work colleagues thought he was so sweet; sending me huge gift baskets etc..
Funny how it was always to places where others would see these "loving" acts..
He played grid iron, weight lifted.........he was a big boy!!!!
I lost weight to a 45 kg low....
I was too nervous to eat , what mood would he be in???
He had great jobs, and no-one suspected his drug abuse,(speed, weed, cocaine......his best friend was/is serving time in Huntsville!)
You see how stupid I am.
I later discovered the police were after him when we came here, he just "escaped"!!
I was his "ticket" out of there i guess.
What i don't understand is how he could be so loving and kind and then beat the crap out of me.
The happiest time of my life with him was when i was pregnant; he NEVER laida hand on me.. I thought the time had come... we started going to a Baptist church. He cried holding our new- born baby.
I really thought "that" was it. I WAS going to be happy with this man I loved soooo much.
Not so,
Things got worse............Thje rest is history, my suicide attempt......his multiple police charges for stalking and harrassing me....... I recently heard he is in Thailand and coming back to Australia, the police told me to ensure I had my AVO on me at all times.
It's been 6years since he left our lives,(10 since i left him!).
My daughter says I don't shut -up about him.
She is so like him, especially as she gets older I look at her and i see him!!
She asks questions; I answer; that triggers more memories.....
I'm so confused.
I really think I am seriously "sick" ,to say I could possibly still love this person who consistantly hurt me.
I don't think anyone in their right mind should come near me.
At the end of the day......... I simply loved him so much and our life "should've" been different!!
That's what is SAD! We had it all. A beautiful home, good jobs and income, a beautiful child; and he chose the road I didn't choose to walk with him........in the end.
Having got that off my chest, i feel lighter,
I WILL always love him for giving me "her", but it was him who decided our fate!
Sad as that is, Irealize I must now leave it behind and move on...
Thankls for listening my cyber pals..
Kerrin :o ;)