Kerrin
04-01-2005, 07:25 PM
Since being on "vacation" ,I thought, REALLY!, that I could relax and escape my "demons". my past.
It seems everything has become magnified!!
Last night i looked over the 12th story balcony at the pool below , the ocean rolling in to the right........all i could see was the white foam and hear and smell the sea........it was beautiful.
And i wondered what it would be like to jump?
Would i make a mess, would i die??.........what about the poor soul/s who found me......sigh.
Lately my teenage pregancy keeps haunting me. (only one of my many mistakes!!).
At 15 I got preganant. i guess by todays definition it would be called "date rape"...but he was 4 years older and my "boyfriend".
Iwas so scared, he kept telling me he would "fix" things, I don't know what that meant, but nothing got "fixed", and I panicked and went to my mum for help!
She had me in hospital before i could blink, and made me feel so ashamed; we can't tell the family, must keep it from dad.., made up some story why i missed school... and wahm, i woke up, bewildered, dripping blood as i went to the loo,
I 'd had an abortion.......I don't remember consenting, I don't remember being asked what i wanted to do.. I remember deep shame and tremendous guilt and feeling so small.
When i went home I knew my family knew "something" was up.
Iwas forbidden to see my boyfriend; I had a day off school, he knocked on the door and called me a murderer......(something my husband would later often call me, in a fight).
Mum told dad while they were having one of their "fights"; and I heard him calling me slut and whore, and throw me out on the street!
I cried silently... no-one knew my pain, No-one asked how i felt or what i wanted..
I was sent away to my Aunties in the country, I don't know why, so the family could cope i guess. i don't remeber....maybe to keep me away from my boyfriend,(who incidently i kept seeing behind their backs, he was the only one who said jhe loved me; i belived him, but he was cruel too, he hurt me physically... i just didn't know any different).
Anyway when i became a "christian" i was told by the Pastor and his wife i had aspirit of lust on me and needed delverence, which also involved confessing my past sexual sin.
I had to "go back" to that 15 y/o and re-live the experience. I was told to "hold " my baby, give him a name and hand him to Jesus, I was told to say sorry to God and my baby........
This was to heal me.
Why then do i feel more guilt and shame and pain than ever before??
I have such regrets I really do pray God forgives me for this despicable thing i did.
I have attempted suicide once, almost successful. To make the pain go away.
But last night, all i could think about was my beautiful daughter. Who would care for her/
All throughout that pregnancy, iwas so scared God would take her and "punish" me..
Anyway she is here and the most beautiful blessing.......so why am i so miserable?
Because all these rotten memories won't go away and are so raw!
When my brother and sister "found" out about my "sin", they wouldn't talk to me.
My brother died at 25, and my sister still thinks i'm a slut! my mother treats me as if i;m totally irresponsible and will always remain so ; she tells me often enough how stupid i am ,reminding me of my "many mistakes'....
That's why I can't let her near me any more,. It just hurts too much.
I wish i'd had a choice. I wish things had been different. I wish i had had that baby..... :( :(
There that's what I've wanted to say since i was 16!!
Thanks for listening,
Kerrin
It seems everything has become magnified!!
Last night i looked over the 12th story balcony at the pool below , the ocean rolling in to the right........all i could see was the white foam and hear and smell the sea........it was beautiful.
And i wondered what it would be like to jump?
Would i make a mess, would i die??.........what about the poor soul/s who found me......sigh.
Lately my teenage pregancy keeps haunting me. (only one of my many mistakes!!).
At 15 I got preganant. i guess by todays definition it would be called "date rape"...but he was 4 years older and my "boyfriend".
Iwas so scared, he kept telling me he would "fix" things, I don't know what that meant, but nothing got "fixed", and I panicked and went to my mum for help!
She had me in hospital before i could blink, and made me feel so ashamed; we can't tell the family, must keep it from dad.., made up some story why i missed school... and wahm, i woke up, bewildered, dripping blood as i went to the loo,
I 'd had an abortion.......I don't remember consenting, I don't remember being asked what i wanted to do.. I remember deep shame and tremendous guilt and feeling so small.
When i went home I knew my family knew "something" was up.
Iwas forbidden to see my boyfriend; I had a day off school, he knocked on the door and called me a murderer......(something my husband would later often call me, in a fight).
Mum told dad while they were having one of their "fights"; and I heard him calling me slut and whore, and throw me out on the street!
I cried silently... no-one knew my pain, No-one asked how i felt or what i wanted..
I was sent away to my Aunties in the country, I don't know why, so the family could cope i guess. i don't remeber....maybe to keep me away from my boyfriend,(who incidently i kept seeing behind their backs, he was the only one who said jhe loved me; i belived him, but he was cruel too, he hurt me physically... i just didn't know any different).
Anyway when i became a "christian" i was told by the Pastor and his wife i had aspirit of lust on me and needed delverence, which also involved confessing my past sexual sin.
I had to "go back" to that 15 y/o and re-live the experience. I was told to "hold " my baby, give him a name and hand him to Jesus, I was told to say sorry to God and my baby........
This was to heal me.
Why then do i feel more guilt and shame and pain than ever before??
I have such regrets I really do pray God forgives me for this despicable thing i did.
I have attempted suicide once, almost successful. To make the pain go away.
But last night, all i could think about was my beautiful daughter. Who would care for her/
All throughout that pregnancy, iwas so scared God would take her and "punish" me..
Anyway she is here and the most beautiful blessing.......so why am i so miserable?
Because all these rotten memories won't go away and are so raw!
When my brother and sister "found" out about my "sin", they wouldn't talk to me.
My brother died at 25, and my sister still thinks i'm a slut! my mother treats me as if i;m totally irresponsible and will always remain so ; she tells me often enough how stupid i am ,reminding me of my "many mistakes'....
That's why I can't let her near me any more,. It just hurts too much.
I wish i'd had a choice. I wish things had been different. I wish i had had that baby..... :( :(
There that's what I've wanted to say since i was 16!!
Thanks for listening,
Kerrin