Sheep
03-18-2005, 09:06 AM
Excerpt from my journal dated Tuesday, March 11, 2003:
Dear Lord,
It's 3:00 a.m. and I can't get back to sleep. I've been awake for half an hour now, so I've decided to converse with You through journaling. I feel so rejected by my husband's behavior. The lying makes me feel so hurt, Lord, and I don't know what IS truthful in our relationship anymore. It would be so easy for me to pull away from him and have a guard up. I've lived this relationship with him for fifteen years, God, and I don't want this anymore. I used to tell him that I view our relationship as neighbors would be, but I don't want to be just pals, Lord. I want more for my marriage. I want close intimacy - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I'm not sure that he can give that to me right now. I feel so sad that he's unable to give himself to me. God, please help him work through his pain in the men's group he'll be attending. Break the strongholds and heal his pain, Lord. I wish he could open up to me, but I do have some hope now that he'll get to the root of his pain. It's hard for me not to blame myself for his disobedience to You - because of all the names I've called him over the years. Maybe that is part of my struggle of being codependent - at times I still wrestle with this. I know I was wrong in letting my anger control my words over the years. I do thank You, Lord, that You've helped me work through my pain over the past seven years. So many times my anger was because of my unmet needs. Thank You for helping me see what my needs are, Lord. It has been easier to share my needs with my husband this past year, but now I'm feeling afraid because he betrayed me. It is hard to trust him with my sharing of needs now. Sometimes I wish he WOULD just have an affair and we could get a divorce and I wouldn't have this hurt anymore. I know this wouldn't deal with the problem though. I so desperately neeed him to pursue me and to be intimate with me, his wife. I guess right now I just expect his comittment to me. That is more than many men give their wives, even Christian men. I am comitted to him, Lord, because it is the right thing to do. You never said it would be easy to do the right thing. I kind of feel the same rejection from him right now that I've felt from my extended family regarding our son's autism. They aren't rejecting me, but his autism. How typical that they would be in denial even after all the testing he went through. It was so very difficult for me to pursue what was wrong with our son with my background, Lord. Thank You for guiding me and giving me the strength to persevere. Thank You, Father for the healing You've been bringing as I grieve over my son's diagnosis. I think now I am coming around to accepting this. The autism label hasn't changed my son any, it just changed the way I view the situation and now I can continue getting him the help that he needs. I can be his advocate. Please, Lord, be my husband's advocate in whatever has a stronghold in his life. You are the only One that can free him. Keep teaching me from Your Word and comfort me with Your Holy Spirit. I need Your guidance and wisdom, Lord and most of all Your unconditional love and acceptance through your son, Jesus. Amen.
************************************************** ***********
It was after I had written this that I sat behind our locked bathroom door and downed a bottle of Children's Cold Medicine. Earlier in the evening I had wrestled with thoughts of suicide - back and forth. I contacted a friend when I wanted to take all of my husband's over-the-counter sleep aids and she had me give the phone to him and he flushed them down the toilet. I felt trapped in my marriage. You know, can't get divorced unless there's been adultery involved. Stay in a marriage no matter what the cost, even to the point of your own unhealthiness. I wasn't thinking rationally - obviously. I just wanted "out" and since divorce wasn't a possibility, suicide was. I think when I met my husband I thought, "Ah, here is a man that loves me and will pay attention to me." The truth is I never got the love and attention that I needed from my dad and no one in my life was ever going to fill that role. It was a loss I needed to grieve. Anyway, I had called our associate pastor in the middle of the morning and had told him what I had done. I knew he and his wife had lost a daughter to suicide so I felt "safe" calling him. He told me to call 911. The sheriffs arrived at our house looking for the bottle to figure out how much I had consumed. I had hid it in a vase of ivy that was on the back of our toilet. By this time our teenage daughter came down wondering what was going on, so she saw it all. I was taking to the local ER and thankfully, all the cold medicine did was give me a high before I crashed. I couldn't guarantee the ER physician that I wouldn't harm myself. Heck, I didn't think I'd ever do what I'd done that morning! I distinctly remember him (the ER physician) walking away in frustration saying, "This isn't about a fight with her husband, this goes way back." So, they made arrangements to send me off to a state hospital for a 72 hr. hold as that was the only place in the state that had a bed open at the time. I ended up having to stay for six days, as they don't "include" weekends. It was an awful experience! I lied about not having suicidal thoughts just so I could get out of there! Ended up spending a week in a different hospital the next month that was a wonderful springboard for my recovery! The denial of my memories of abuse didn't come through until I separated from my husband in August five months later.
************************************************** ***********
This is an excerpt from my journal dated six months later Monday, Feb 2, 2004:
Lord,
I did not receive trust and acceptance from my parents, but betrayal and rejection by physical abuse and emotional abandonment. My dad had mentioned to me that I have always been "the strong one". I no longer need to stuff/shame/numb my overwhelming feelings of grief, pain, sadness, and loneliness like I did when I was a kid to survive!! My feelings do not mean I am crazy - I just grew up in a home and lived in a marriage of craziness and mixed up emotions that were all funnelled into anger. Now I can own my feelings and give myself permission to feel my intense emotions.
I am good enough. I am unworthy but not worthless! I was bought with Your precious blood!! I belong to the King of Kings and Lord of lords! I am becoming more fully the person You created me to be. You've made me intelligent and creative. You gave me the gift of serving and the personality of helper/organizer. I have compassion for people and a deep love for children/elderly. Thank You.
************************************************** ************
A year later I continue to manage my PTSD symptoms. I'd like to say that all the memories I'm going to get have all come back, but I don't think that would necessarily be true. I had another biggy come back just before Christmas that threw me into a whirlwind! God is helping me to identify my triggers and teaching me that He is there while I go through all of this. He was there when I felt abandoned over 30 yrs. ago! The truth is, He will never leave me or abandon me and THAT is a comforting thought! My husband and I got back together just before Easter last year. That was after I had attended a conference intended for healing but ended up being retraumatized again. I am coming to accept that it wasn't about me, but about the leaders not being equipped to handle what I was experiencing. Currently I go to a couple women's support groups on a weekly basis that I starting attending about a year and a half ago. I also see a counselor bi-weekly and started up marriage therapy again. I'm looking into a support group for parents of children on the autism spectrum. I still wrestle with attending church, but my husband and I try to make it to our small group Bible study every other week. This is a struggle for me too. For today, I commit whatever God has for me to Him. For tomorrow has enough worries of it's own...
Sheep
Dear Lord,
It's 3:00 a.m. and I can't get back to sleep. I've been awake for half an hour now, so I've decided to converse with You through journaling. I feel so rejected by my husband's behavior. The lying makes me feel so hurt, Lord, and I don't know what IS truthful in our relationship anymore. It would be so easy for me to pull away from him and have a guard up. I've lived this relationship with him for fifteen years, God, and I don't want this anymore. I used to tell him that I view our relationship as neighbors would be, but I don't want to be just pals, Lord. I want more for my marriage. I want close intimacy - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I'm not sure that he can give that to me right now. I feel so sad that he's unable to give himself to me. God, please help him work through his pain in the men's group he'll be attending. Break the strongholds and heal his pain, Lord. I wish he could open up to me, but I do have some hope now that he'll get to the root of his pain. It's hard for me not to blame myself for his disobedience to You - because of all the names I've called him over the years. Maybe that is part of my struggle of being codependent - at times I still wrestle with this. I know I was wrong in letting my anger control my words over the years. I do thank You, Lord, that You've helped me work through my pain over the past seven years. So many times my anger was because of my unmet needs. Thank You for helping me see what my needs are, Lord. It has been easier to share my needs with my husband this past year, but now I'm feeling afraid because he betrayed me. It is hard to trust him with my sharing of needs now. Sometimes I wish he WOULD just have an affair and we could get a divorce and I wouldn't have this hurt anymore. I know this wouldn't deal with the problem though. I so desperately neeed him to pursue me and to be intimate with me, his wife. I guess right now I just expect his comittment to me. That is more than many men give their wives, even Christian men. I am comitted to him, Lord, because it is the right thing to do. You never said it would be easy to do the right thing. I kind of feel the same rejection from him right now that I've felt from my extended family regarding our son's autism. They aren't rejecting me, but his autism. How typical that they would be in denial even after all the testing he went through. It was so very difficult for me to pursue what was wrong with our son with my background, Lord. Thank You for guiding me and giving me the strength to persevere. Thank You, Father for the healing You've been bringing as I grieve over my son's diagnosis. I think now I am coming around to accepting this. The autism label hasn't changed my son any, it just changed the way I view the situation and now I can continue getting him the help that he needs. I can be his advocate. Please, Lord, be my husband's advocate in whatever has a stronghold in his life. You are the only One that can free him. Keep teaching me from Your Word and comfort me with Your Holy Spirit. I need Your guidance and wisdom, Lord and most of all Your unconditional love and acceptance through your son, Jesus. Amen.
************************************************** ***********
It was after I had written this that I sat behind our locked bathroom door and downed a bottle of Children's Cold Medicine. Earlier in the evening I had wrestled with thoughts of suicide - back and forth. I contacted a friend when I wanted to take all of my husband's over-the-counter sleep aids and she had me give the phone to him and he flushed them down the toilet. I felt trapped in my marriage. You know, can't get divorced unless there's been adultery involved. Stay in a marriage no matter what the cost, even to the point of your own unhealthiness. I wasn't thinking rationally - obviously. I just wanted "out" and since divorce wasn't a possibility, suicide was. I think when I met my husband I thought, "Ah, here is a man that loves me and will pay attention to me." The truth is I never got the love and attention that I needed from my dad and no one in my life was ever going to fill that role. It was a loss I needed to grieve. Anyway, I had called our associate pastor in the middle of the morning and had told him what I had done. I knew he and his wife had lost a daughter to suicide so I felt "safe" calling him. He told me to call 911. The sheriffs arrived at our house looking for the bottle to figure out how much I had consumed. I had hid it in a vase of ivy that was on the back of our toilet. By this time our teenage daughter came down wondering what was going on, so she saw it all. I was taking to the local ER and thankfully, all the cold medicine did was give me a high before I crashed. I couldn't guarantee the ER physician that I wouldn't harm myself. Heck, I didn't think I'd ever do what I'd done that morning! I distinctly remember him (the ER physician) walking away in frustration saying, "This isn't about a fight with her husband, this goes way back." So, they made arrangements to send me off to a state hospital for a 72 hr. hold as that was the only place in the state that had a bed open at the time. I ended up having to stay for six days, as they don't "include" weekends. It was an awful experience! I lied about not having suicidal thoughts just so I could get out of there! Ended up spending a week in a different hospital the next month that was a wonderful springboard for my recovery! The denial of my memories of abuse didn't come through until I separated from my husband in August five months later.
************************************************** ***********
This is an excerpt from my journal dated six months later Monday, Feb 2, 2004:
Lord,
I did not receive trust and acceptance from my parents, but betrayal and rejection by physical abuse and emotional abandonment. My dad had mentioned to me that I have always been "the strong one". I no longer need to stuff/shame/numb my overwhelming feelings of grief, pain, sadness, and loneliness like I did when I was a kid to survive!! My feelings do not mean I am crazy - I just grew up in a home and lived in a marriage of craziness and mixed up emotions that were all funnelled into anger. Now I can own my feelings and give myself permission to feel my intense emotions.
I am good enough. I am unworthy but not worthless! I was bought with Your precious blood!! I belong to the King of Kings and Lord of lords! I am becoming more fully the person You created me to be. You've made me intelligent and creative. You gave me the gift of serving and the personality of helper/organizer. I have compassion for people and a deep love for children/elderly. Thank You.
************************************************** ************
A year later I continue to manage my PTSD symptoms. I'd like to say that all the memories I'm going to get have all come back, but I don't think that would necessarily be true. I had another biggy come back just before Christmas that threw me into a whirlwind! God is helping me to identify my triggers and teaching me that He is there while I go through all of this. He was there when I felt abandoned over 30 yrs. ago! The truth is, He will never leave me or abandon me and THAT is a comforting thought! My husband and I got back together just before Easter last year. That was after I had attended a conference intended for healing but ended up being retraumatized again. I am coming to accept that it wasn't about me, but about the leaders not being equipped to handle what I was experiencing. Currently I go to a couple women's support groups on a weekly basis that I starting attending about a year and a half ago. I also see a counselor bi-weekly and started up marriage therapy again. I'm looking into a support group for parents of children on the autism spectrum. I still wrestle with attending church, but my husband and I try to make it to our small group Bible study every other week. This is a struggle for me too. For today, I commit whatever God has for me to Him. For tomorrow has enough worries of it's own...
Sheep