Michael
03-02-2005, 09:20 PM
March 2, 2005
I'm sitting here tonight searching online for emergent church web sites. I know what I'm doing. I'm looking for a high, a fix. It's that restlessness that seems to drive much of my life. Gotta feel good all the time. Need that stimulation. What better stimulation than spiritual stimulation. I get to feel good and feel good about feeling good, which a heck of a lot better than most of the ways I've sought to feel good in my life.
Part of me is looking because I want to connect. Part of me is looking because I want to find things which will inspire me in creating mixed media pieces for worship. I really love what I am finding out about the emergent church. But it also scares me because, by some internal definition, I don't belong there. Emergent is only for young people. I feel old. I am middle class, clearly at home in modernism. A type A person, or at least a compulsive one. How do I fit in the post-evangelical church? Does it matter?
I also feel some anger inside. I think that behind the anger is fear. Fear that I might have stumbled across a new form of the church that really excites me, and I might not fit. As the pastor from Apostles Church said, you're either hip or you're not. So am I interested in the emergent church because I want to be hip? Or am I interested in emergent church because it is built upon principles that I have long cherished in my spiritual pilgrimage? Ah, I want a simple answer, but there is no simple answer. Why do I need an answer? What does God want from me? Does He want me to figure out my motives for every aspect of my life, to question my motive in everything I do? I think not. But I remain restless.
What is it that I really want? What is it that I really fear? Will I ever change? What happens if I never really change? Will I be enough? Will I be rejected? By whom? What really is the question here?
I sit here really wanting to share these musings with someone who will understand, someone who will tell me that I am still ok.
I think what I want is to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel that no matter how broken I may be, that I will still be loved. The only reliable source of that love is God. But can I really trust Him? What about the times when I wonder if He really even exists? What about the times when the meds are not working and depression pulls the whole world down?
I am looking for answer, but not looking for answers. I want a nice, tidy God that I can depend on. I want a safe God that I can keep on the shelf for when I need Him. I want a lovely kitchen god. Instead I worship a consuming fire, a dangerous, awesome, unpredictable, unfathomable God. He is the ultimate mystery, the eternal source of all things. In Him there is no beginning or ending. He is not safe. Thoug He loves me more than I will ever be able to fathom, His love is not what I want. I want something far smaller, just a little divine spark to keep me warm and safe and happy.
But it doesn't work that way. He has shown me more and more of who I am and more and more of who He is. With knowlege comes responsibility and accountability. Was it better to be more blind than I am at this point? No. Would I go back if I could? No. I am more able to love than ever before in my life. In fact, until a few years ago, I had no real ability to love.
So I wrestle with God. He gently asks me to turn to Him throughout the day, surrendering my character defects, surrendering when I am tempted to turn to dysfunctional choices. Yet, I run. I block Him out with stimulation of any form, with several addictions always at close hand.
And yet He loves me. As I write that, a glimmer of fear catches the corner of my eye. Does He really? But that is not an honest question. It's more of an excuse to just do what I want. If I am willing to quiet myself, to seek Him in prayer, in His word, in fellowship, in worship, in service, in surrender, I can hear the answer to that question. His love shall endure forever and it is not dependent on my decisions. Again, as I write, I see the doubts in the periphery, like cockroaches scurrying in sudden light. These doubts are denizens of darkness. Yet, should I deny that they are there? No, they are real. I simply need not feed them.
Lately I've been asking God to redeem various aspects of my life. I find myself thinking a lustful or selfish or judgemental or vengeful thought, and I ask God to redeem my thoughts, my mind. He can take what was intended for evil and turn it to His purposes, to His glory. My failures and flaws give me many opportunities to seek Him.
I used to ask for His help to surrender these character defects, but these days I like the idea of asking Him to redeem them. It puts more of the burden on Him. It more fully acknowledges my powerlessness, my brokenness. When I ask Him to help me surrender them, I seem to be asking Him just to make them go away. The desire is to feel better quickly because when I ask I am feeling crappy about being a schmuck. When I ask Him to redeem these defects, I almost have a sense of anticipation, wondering how He will actually redeem my flaws and these recent failures. And one thing that I've noticed is that because there is less of a sense of guilt, there is more joy, and it all seems to be more natural and more inviting. I am no longer fighting myself, I am accepting and releasing. Hmmm. Interesting. This is still pretty new, but it feels like a new door for me.
I wrestle with His love.
Michael
I'm sitting here tonight searching online for emergent church web sites. I know what I'm doing. I'm looking for a high, a fix. It's that restlessness that seems to drive much of my life. Gotta feel good all the time. Need that stimulation. What better stimulation than spiritual stimulation. I get to feel good and feel good about feeling good, which a heck of a lot better than most of the ways I've sought to feel good in my life.
Part of me is looking because I want to connect. Part of me is looking because I want to find things which will inspire me in creating mixed media pieces for worship. I really love what I am finding out about the emergent church. But it also scares me because, by some internal definition, I don't belong there. Emergent is only for young people. I feel old. I am middle class, clearly at home in modernism. A type A person, or at least a compulsive one. How do I fit in the post-evangelical church? Does it matter?
I also feel some anger inside. I think that behind the anger is fear. Fear that I might have stumbled across a new form of the church that really excites me, and I might not fit. As the pastor from Apostles Church said, you're either hip or you're not. So am I interested in the emergent church because I want to be hip? Or am I interested in emergent church because it is built upon principles that I have long cherished in my spiritual pilgrimage? Ah, I want a simple answer, but there is no simple answer. Why do I need an answer? What does God want from me? Does He want me to figure out my motives for every aspect of my life, to question my motive in everything I do? I think not. But I remain restless.
What is it that I really want? What is it that I really fear? Will I ever change? What happens if I never really change? Will I be enough? Will I be rejected? By whom? What really is the question here?
I sit here really wanting to share these musings with someone who will understand, someone who will tell me that I am still ok.
I think what I want is to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel that no matter how broken I may be, that I will still be loved. The only reliable source of that love is God. But can I really trust Him? What about the times when I wonder if He really even exists? What about the times when the meds are not working and depression pulls the whole world down?
I am looking for answer, but not looking for answers. I want a nice, tidy God that I can depend on. I want a safe God that I can keep on the shelf for when I need Him. I want a lovely kitchen god. Instead I worship a consuming fire, a dangerous, awesome, unpredictable, unfathomable God. He is the ultimate mystery, the eternal source of all things. In Him there is no beginning or ending. He is not safe. Thoug He loves me more than I will ever be able to fathom, His love is not what I want. I want something far smaller, just a little divine spark to keep me warm and safe and happy.
But it doesn't work that way. He has shown me more and more of who I am and more and more of who He is. With knowlege comes responsibility and accountability. Was it better to be more blind than I am at this point? No. Would I go back if I could? No. I am more able to love than ever before in my life. In fact, until a few years ago, I had no real ability to love.
So I wrestle with God. He gently asks me to turn to Him throughout the day, surrendering my character defects, surrendering when I am tempted to turn to dysfunctional choices. Yet, I run. I block Him out with stimulation of any form, with several addictions always at close hand.
And yet He loves me. As I write that, a glimmer of fear catches the corner of my eye. Does He really? But that is not an honest question. It's more of an excuse to just do what I want. If I am willing to quiet myself, to seek Him in prayer, in His word, in fellowship, in worship, in service, in surrender, I can hear the answer to that question. His love shall endure forever and it is not dependent on my decisions. Again, as I write, I see the doubts in the periphery, like cockroaches scurrying in sudden light. These doubts are denizens of darkness. Yet, should I deny that they are there? No, they are real. I simply need not feed them.
Lately I've been asking God to redeem various aspects of my life. I find myself thinking a lustful or selfish or judgemental or vengeful thought, and I ask God to redeem my thoughts, my mind. He can take what was intended for evil and turn it to His purposes, to His glory. My failures and flaws give me many opportunities to seek Him.
I used to ask for His help to surrender these character defects, but these days I like the idea of asking Him to redeem them. It puts more of the burden on Him. It more fully acknowledges my powerlessness, my brokenness. When I ask Him to help me surrender them, I seem to be asking Him just to make them go away. The desire is to feel better quickly because when I ask I am feeling crappy about being a schmuck. When I ask Him to redeem these defects, I almost have a sense of anticipation, wondering how He will actually redeem my flaws and these recent failures. And one thing that I've noticed is that because there is less of a sense of guilt, there is more joy, and it all seems to be more natural and more inviting. I am no longer fighting myself, I am accepting and releasing. Hmmm. Interesting. This is still pretty new, but it feels like a new door for me.
I wrestle with His love.
Michael