is this abuse too....?

[Kerrin]

:o
I am somewhat embarrassed to share this experience. actually it's more shame I think.
But, since being "excommunicated" and beginning counselling, I can't seem to get it off my mind.
When my 1st husband finally left us alone and I was searching for
myself", and somewhere "safe', i began attending a women's support group for domestic violence. It was a feeder in to the church that I became a member of. (I didn't know that at the time, I thought the group just rented the room).
Anyway I got taken in by the church and became very close to the Vicar and his family, frequently eating with them etc.... (we sort of became their project).

At that time I also had met someone very special, who offered us his home to live in as we were virtually "homeless", (having lost our lovely home in the divorce),
I actually met him socially and we really got along well, he was different, he didn't drink or swear , he was a gentleman and treated me like a lady, even when we moved in to his house. He was always the same.
He was nothing but respectful of me and my daughter, making us feel really welcome........
Cut a longish story short, I fell in love with him, my daughter adored him and his family loved us. (he also was well off financially and talked about our future together and not expecting me to work if I didn't want to, he asked how I wanted to renovate HIS house, and every friday we would go out to eat as a family and shopping, he would do things like give me $100 and say "just go get something for you!"
He supported my going to church, he went to a private Anglican school ,but wasn't ready to go back to church himself.
By this time the new Pastor had me well and trully "hooked", and "convicted" of my SIN of living with him (even though he was a true gentleman.)
I really did love this man, he could've offered, and wanted to, offer us everything we never had, love unconditional, financial security, family blessings; it all seemed too good to be true.
He would take time off work to come to my daughter's sporting events, if he had a late start he would walk with me to take her to school, and pick her up. He spent loads of time on her, helping with school work, spoilt her rotten at Christmas,(me too),
His parents were also wealthy and i thought they would disaprove of their only son marrying a single mum, but we all just hit it off!!
I had started attending "courses" as the Vicar advised, I had, inadvertantly, set him up as my "Father", And I guess that was his goal. ( i made him god to my detriment!)

After about year, we wanted to marry so I took him to meet The Vicar who took an immediate dislike to Andrew and stated I would be making a mistake!!
Together with his "troops", one who I thought was my best friend, they talked me into leaving him and moving in with a parish family, where we would be "safe".
I left, and went back to him after a day, only to have the church come and get me!!
I broke his heart, he cried and asked me to come back, he never hounded me, he said to consider what I wanted..........I never did!!
I considered what the church thought I should want, seeing as I had such a flawed past.
So over the past 7 years the Vicar has "presented" a few "suitable", husbands, none of which i even liked.
Eventually i hit their "jackpot", and married this present ,estranged, man, who left me after 10 months.
BUT it's my fault!! of course because i wouldn't submit!!
Now having left the church and started my counselling I can't help thinking what a mistake I made!
And I just had to tell someone, so it's out there in cyberspace now and i feel a little lighter.
My prayer is, that God WILL give me another chance to meet someone one day as equally as nice as the one I let get away........sigh.........(just another part of my grieving I guess)....... :confused: :(
Thanks for listening,
Kerrin

[oneday]

I am so sorry, Kerrin. Thank you for sharing.

[Voyager]

Kerrin,

Have you ever looked that guy up since you left the church? Has he found someone else?

:cool:

[jane]

This may sound silly to you but I have a question.

What is a vicar? Is it the same thing as a pastor, priest, elder or deacon?


you said anglican church, isn't that the same as an episcopal church?


Just curious.


Jane

[jane]

Kerrin,

what a tremendous loss.

I think that is where the biggest pain is, in the losses. Around my neck of the woods people say "cut your losses" like it's nothing. But when you love deeply, you invest deeply and when there is a loss, you bleed deeply. Sometimes I have wanted to stop loving.

I have come to a conclusion that I would rather continue loving deeply; taking that risk than to give up being who I am.


OFF TOPIC<
Is it warm where you are? We have another snow blizzard coming our way in the next hour. I enjoy the snow, but man enough is enough, I want to start planting my spring vegtables soon! It is almost March already! They say we are getting another foot. Well, time to go get the sleds dusted off and all the warm clothes cleaned up.' :cool:

thanks for posting such an honest event. It has been my experience that God does answer prayer. I made some mistakes too but now I am married to my best friend. It sounds cliche, but it is true. 7 years this May, we still feel like newlyweds when it comes to each other. Life has given us some stressful times these last 4 years but we tell ourselves it is making our marriage stronger. On some days, we feel like we could use a little less strength training if you know what I mean.

Jane

[Kerrin]

Kerrin,

Have you ever looked that guy up since you left the church? Has he found someone else?

:cool:

:o :o
My counsellor asked the same thing,
I don't know if he's married. I have been tempted to get in touch and maybe have a coffee or something.

He's the sort of guy who would say either "yes" or "no", without expectation.
I hurt him badly though.
I sometimes just think, It's something else I stuffed up and I don't deserve any happiness......, so what's the point???

I don't love this man the church co-erced me in to marrying.
Like Jane , when I love I love, deeply, so yes, I hurt deeply too at my loss (my fault!!).
I envy those of you married to your "best friends", I really do. You are so blessed.
Sigh........... :( :confused:
Kerrin

[Kerrin]

I have come to a conclusion that I would rather continue loving deeply; taking that risk than to give up being who I am.


OFF TOPIC<
Is it warm where you are? We have another snow blizzard coming our way in the next hour. I enjoy the snow, but man enough is enough, I want to start planting my spring vegtables soon! It is almost March already! They say we are getting another foot. Well, time to go get the sleds dusted off and all the warm clothes cleaned up.' :cool:

Jane[/QUOTE]

;) YES it's warm, in fact it's HOT, today about 32 celsius (over 100 F, I think).
I think this is the hottest summer we've had in a while...
We don't get snow in Melbourne only up in the mountains.
(the only time I've enjoyed the snow/experienced it was at Yosemite and in Texas, it was an awesome experience!!)
(Melbourne has a population of about 5,000,000. So we are pretty big.)
I love the heat.
Vicar is Anglican, they sometimes call themselves Pastors (the evangeliclals), , there's the Church of England, Uniting, Church of Christ..... all much the same thing, ( they perform the same "religious" acts and "sacrements"), I think Theodora would have a better understanding than me. There is a distinct hierarchy of Vicar, deacon, archdeacons, Bishops etc......
Very similar to catholicism but nowhere near as strict or ,dare i say ,rigid?
Hope that helps a little,
Kerrin
P.S thanks for your warm words.

[dwilliams]

Goodness!
The guy seems like a winner, Kerrin!

When you are ready, I'd say get in contact with him!

If you do decide to ask for that coffee meeting, at least you'll know one way or another.

Back when I first knew my wife, we dated for a while, but I ended up severing all ties with her for religious reasons just like you...
Only I had Charismatic Full Gospel leadership swaying my decisions rather than...I'm guessing Catholic(?) leaders...

Anyway, time moved on and years after that, I looked up her address and phone number through a mutual friend and came back in contact with her. She was a little hesitant at first, but eventually things worked out great and we were able to start all over.
Now we are married and have two wonderful daughters, 5 and 3.

I once heard Tony Robbins say:

"The past does not equal the future"

and I've found this to be true many times over.



Wishing you the absolute best. You deserve it!

Darren

[dwilliams]

...posted before seeing you explain you are not Catholic...
Just wanted to make a note. :o

[jane]

Kerrin,

So what if he is still married. It could be a great opportunity for both you and him.

Let me explain:

I was married real young and divorced by 6 months. We married because of a child, my 17 year old son. I was 19 at the time.

We had a nasty split up. His parents had to pick up Jason and be the go betweens for 5 years. I became a christian and shortly after his dad died. We spent an entire day talking. I did not want to remarry him but I stayed open to that because now that I was a christian I believed divorce was wrong. I actually asked God in prayer not to reuinte us but nevertheless His will.

This day of talking started with me apologizing for my wrongs in the marriage. He started apologizing too. We cried, we laughed, we admitted to needing each other to love us when we were younger and not knowing what healthy love was. The end of the day ended with us sociable enough to decide to raise our son in some sense of unity without us being together. We knew that he was made out of some form of young love and I wanted to honor that. I wanted Jason to have his father in his life as I have known what it was like to live without mine.

That conversation freed him to be able to marry the woman he truely loved. He had been with her since we were married and struggled in being able to marry again. He did so within 3 months after telling me thankyou. It freed me up in ways I could not explain but for one this incredible war between us was over.

Do I like this guy? well, if I met him today he would not be someone that I would chose as a friend. But he has been a pretty decent father to my son and that is what was important to me. It was also important to me on a personal level that a memory of a man whom I loved could be filed in my brain with good feelings; feelings of forgiveness, and feelings of a type of love. Regret gone, anguish gone, shame gone, what if's; gone. Do you know what I mean?

I am not telling you that you have to call him and run him down to find him.

This season is about you, about your healing, your time frame, etc....

If you want to and in the timing that you want to, go find him. Don't let him possibly being married get in the way of healing for you as well as him.


keep me posted if you do decide something,

Jane

[jane]

so yes, I hurt deeply too at my loss (my fault!!).

I did not say at your fault and I hope you did not hear that in anything anyone said here. I did not hear that in anyone's post.

There is one thing about the 12 step program that I don't agree with<NOW PLEASE DONT EVERYONE ATTACK: IT IS JUST AN OPINION>

and that is this thing where the focus on a victim is on what part they played in it. To me this is just further victimizing the victims. The truth is there are mean people out there (for what ever reason) who do mean things.

I know 12 steppers will tell me that sometimes we create patterns of abusive relations....ok there could be truth in that but you know what I would love it if we hold the perpetrators acountable period.

Some of these religious leaders that perpetuate spiritual abuse are skilled in mind games. Some of them are diagnosably sociopathic. Look at how many people followed Hitler. Don't you think some of those people were good people who were brainwashed and led to wrong thinking?

My ex-pastor and his entourage of leaders are extremely charismatic (not in the religious way); physically attractive; and so on. HE WAS A SHOE SALESMAN BEFORE THIS.

Do you get what I am getting at? You were under control of spiritual abusers at the time who you trusted for guidance; they thought he wasn't suitable; you had been previously abused. . . you trusted them for good reason. It is their fault.

do we learn from this, yes.


:( it just made me sad to hear you beat yourself up. We make decisions (good and bad) at the time we make them based on our needs at the time.

HUGS
Jane

[Kerrin]

...posted before seeing you explain you are not Catholic...
Just wanted to make a note. :o

;)
No offense taken!
Anglican is much the same just more liberal, Oh, and they say they are "evangelical", that's at my old church...
All this terminology makes my head spin!!!!!

Thanks for your thoughts, i'm so glad to hear some happy "endings",
I'm still a little hesitant, and when I'm ready, I .....well don't know yet, keep you posted,
Kerrin ;)

[Jerry]

:o :o
My counsellor asked the same thing,
I don't know if he's married. I have been tempted to get in touch and maybe have a coffee or something.

He's the sort of guy who would say either "yes" or "no", without expectation.
I hurt him badly though.
I sometimes just think, It's something else I stuffed up and I don't deserve any happiness......, so what's the point???

I don't love this man the church co-erced me in to marrying.
Like Jane , when I love I love, deeply, so yes, I hurt deeply too at my loss (my fault!!).
I envy those of you married to your "best friends", I really do. You are so blessed.
Sigh........... :( :confused:
Kerrin
Dear Kerrin,,,
The things we did?????? These are the things we repent of ,or rejoice over.The calls not made,,,,the things we didn't do,,,,,,,,,,,these are the things we "regret" ;) If he is "Married" you will have closed a door,,,,if not???,,,,you will have opened one :D
Love Jerry

[Kerrin]

Dear Kerrin,,,
The things we did?????? These are the things we repent of ,or rejoice over.The calls not made,,,,the things we didn't do,,,,,,,,,,,these are the things we "regret" ;) If he is "Married" you will have closed a door,,,,if not???,,,,you will have opened one :D
Love Jerry

:D
AH now to find the courage!!! :eek:
Kerrin
P.S ;) (((jerry)))