I found the poem

[Janice]

This was written on 7/7/01.


I don't understand why I can't get it right
Why I struggle all day & most of the night
Always having to do things my way,
And never letting God have His way.
I've built so many walls in the course of my life,
So much hurt, & heartache, & pain,
The walls are there for my protection,
I don't want to let them down again.
As long as they're up, I know God can't get through
But, that's a risk I am willing to take
It makes no sense to do this alone but,
I make my own mistakes!
The bottom line, is that I constantly feel
no matter how hard I try,
I will always be the same person I was
Unworthy, and spiritually dry.
Never amounting to anything
No matter what people may think,
I will ALWAYS be "not good enough"
stupid, stubborn, and "on the brink"
This certainly is a pitiful poem but,
I guess that's the mood I'm in.
It's the best way I know to express how I feel
Thanks for listening, my wonderful friends

[Oopsie Daisey]

Dear Janice:;)

Just read your poem. I just want to comment that while reading it, I couldn't help but think that I feel exactly like that only the one thing is that God don't and God knows exactly that it isn't Him your really holding at arms length so much as an idea of who HE is and what He is like. I know that when you let down your guard, you will find God loving and so different than the way people describe Him. He is not at all like what is in church. I don't pretend to have that down to a T nor do I remember to let down my guard to Him but when I do, He always is different that the God people portray. God is so much more than that.

I read one of your other posts where you said you would pray if you could get out the words and then I read Jerry's response and he said it well but praying isn't those stupid flowery words that we have been taught. Praying is being real and your about as real as they come. I once said I would like to be more like you. You have really shown me your not really about being a pretense of a life. You have been real. You have shown me that you are not plastic or synthentic in your relationships that you are you and real and lovely.

Janice, I am as plastic as they come. I am terrified to be me. So when I read your words they bring me to life because I have come to know a person who just says only what she means and that is like or lump it when you speak up and you are not cruel. You just don't
give it the flourish and paint it up before you deliver which is so refreshing.

I look up to you!

Melanie

[Jerry]

Once in a Saintly Passion
I cried in desprate grief
Oh Lord my heart is black with guile
Of sinners I am Chief
Then Stooped my Guardian Angel
And whispered from behind
Vanity!!! my little man
Your nothing of the kind!!!!
:D I wish I had written that :D

[Janice]

For your kind words but PLEASE don't look up to me. I am no one to look up to.

[Emerging]

For your kind words but PLEASE don't look up to me. I am no one to look up to.

:( Oh (((((Janice))))) I remember feeling this way like my whole life!!! It was ALL I could feel for sooooo long!!! What a bummer it was!!! It's taken quite a bit of counseling to work past that place, which still rears it's ugly head more often than I wish, :( but I really think you can get past it too.

Most of all I think you are "judging your insides by other people's outsides" and of course that's what we grew up doing. But it doesn't lead to a fair and accurate assessment, right? So what one small POSITIVE change could you make to your life to help you feel just a little bit better?

PLUS, are you "SAD"? SAD = Seasonally Affective Depression = you get especially bummed by the decreasing amount of light from about August til February? I do, too, but one thing I heard recently was to add brightly colored blankets, clothes, whatever to our homes and lives because they really help lift that depression. ....there has been such a marked decrease in light that my amarylliseseseses are blooming!!!! This is amazing - they've never bloomed this early before!

Guess any of us can do anything that we've never done before, include feel way better about ourselves! I'm pulling and praying for you, dear one!! :)