A prayer request

[Michael]

I did something very stupid that I'd rather not go into right now. There may be very unpleasant consequences because my wife will be extremely hurt. I deserve unpleasant consequences, but in the past when this has happened I have met with grace, patience, and understanding.

I am an addict, and as my sponsor was saying to me last night, the threat of unpleasant consequences seldom stops an addict. How true. Addictus myopius.

To be honest, I am afraid. My wife has put up with so much from me. One day I am "spiritual" and earnestly seeking God. The next day I relapse. As I said in previous posts, I am a liar, a cheat, and a thief. And I don't say that with acrimony. I say it as a simple fact. The sky is blue, and I am not trustworthy. My wife has no reason to trust me, and she has made comments about the continuation of our marriage being at stake.

I will talk to her tonight and confess that I relapsed. I have absolutely no control over her response. I can only pray for God's grace and mercy. again. *sigh*

I can only get back up and continue walking, confident that no matter what, God loves me. He will use this failure on my part for His glory in some way. Nonetheless, I feel very, very stupid. Or, perhaps foolish and ashamed are better descriptions.

I am not wallowing in shame, by the way. I believe scripture is very clear on the appropriateness of a broken and contrite spirit when we desire to move on from a period of conscious, intentional rebellion against God. This does not impact my ability to talk to God, or my sense of His love. Mostly what I feel right now is fear and the knowledge that what I have done will wound my wife.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

In His Grace,

Michael

[Michael]

I thought about my post afterward and realized that being as vague as I was, it could be interpreted that I was unfaithful or something like that. not the case.

In His Grace,

Michael

[Velveteen Rabbit]

Michael,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Please know that you will be lifted up in prayer, as will your wife.

Courage,

VR

[Pilgrim]

Know that you are in my prayers, Michael. Yes, sometimes you're spiritual and sometimes you're not... welcome to the human race.

However, I DO understand (from a wife's perspective) how frustrating it can be for her. I can also say, as a woman married to a man with an addictive personality that above all I think the thing that has kept me in this marriage for 21 years is his honesty. If he lied about it, we probably wouldn't have lasted 5 years.

I don't know your wife, but I do know she's stuck with you this far... I think she may be in for the long haul. The fact that you are honest and contrite will probably go a long way.

Will keep the two of you in my prayers today.

[Emerging]

If he lied about it, we probably wouldn't have lasted 5 years.
Pilgrim, I agree that it was the constant lying that blew my marriage apart. That and his refusal to take responsiblity for any of his issues when I did manage to figure out what was "really" going on. Great points on your part, thanks!

[Oopsie Daisey]

Hi Michael:

I don't know you and don't know your real issues. I have read your posts very closely many times and could often relate to what your saying... I do pray for you but I want to be very honest about something while praying. I have wrecked just about every relationship I have. NOT with dishonesty ...because it is easy to be honest and still con....so I can be very honest...but because I kept the same behaviors...even though it was addictive life styles, I lost a lot of my relationships..Not because they didn't understand but it was down right mean to the other people and they had to treat themselves better than to hang around someone like me that didn't care enough about myself to make some changes and stay focused and serious. Yes, I was a good liar to myself most of all. I mouthed all the truths to everyone but kidded myself about trying and relinquishing my will to God.

Praying for you and don't want to see you end up isolated and on your backside because you "slipped again."


God Bless. I do mean it....

May God be with you while you seek to have a contrite heart.

Melanie

[Emerging]

Yes, I was a good liar to myself most of all.
Me, too, Mel. With different outcomes, but the same way of being. Not to excuse it at all, but I was terrified of living a truly responsible life - I was already made to feel resonsible for all the abuse perped against me, no way I could take on any more pain without losing my mind!

But finally I am beginning to see the difference and ditch all the other stuff and focus on my stuff alone. How freeing to have "so little" to face!! But still a lot of work remains, though progress continues ... but it's not so overwhelming anymore.

My lies to myself also cost me relationships, a lot of them!! But because I kept unconsciously choosing meanies (too afraid of them to not "choose" them :( ) and ... gee but I just can't stay with them longterm (good thing!!) ... so that is a focus now - to allow myself healthy relationships with people who are also committed to just getting along and "playing well with others".

But our healing continues. Prayers for all!! :p :)